My Moment of Zen

My Moment of Zen

This is something I wrote years ago (before I began dying my hair even *gasp*), that I have to keep reposting everywhere so that I can remind myself of who I am underneath all the stress and self-defeatism.

I read this page in a book about birthdays of the year making us all unique. My birthday is July 17th. It said that those born on this day strive for greatness and never feel complete unless we achieve it. I've never read something that so accurately describes who I am and what I want. Greatness: the ability to give to this world something so bright and blessed that I will never be forgotten.

Now, I can almost believe it will come true. Just now, as I sit in this lawn chair. It's past nine o' clock at night and I don't care. The night sky is perfect, but then it always is. An inky, blue blackness with white smears of clouds gliding past as if on a mobile. Painfully sharp points of lights we call stars and planets are here, but not as many as usual. It's still perfect to me.

Mike Oldfield plays in the CD player I dragged out onto the back porch. This is the first music I ever knew. Mom played it to me when I danced in her womb and in my cradle. Now it is the music that makes me feel closer to God. It is as if it is God's language. It is so beautiful that I long to be it. No longer just a poor, aimless mother of two without even a husband. I would be God's words. People would cry at my beauty.

The cool night breeze works like a salve to heal me from the burdensome heat of the day. It lifts my long, dark tresses like a flag. It makes my tired scalp sigh with pleasure. It massages my naked feet poking out of my favorite jeans. I breathe in the air and it intoxicates me.

I drink greedily from a plastic party cup. All it is is water, but it tastes like the sweetest wine to me. I lick my already wet lips. And when it dribbles down my chin, my neck, and into my cleavage; I just chuckle and steady myself.

I am all alone. I don't need to look good for anyone. Yet, I wonder if this is when I look my best. Because there are times, such as now, when I feel like an ancient Goddess. I feel so powerful, wise, sensual, creative, nurturing, free, and grounded.

I may never be thin again, but I'm loving every curve of me, right now. I feel like I'm the woman in the Moon. I love that. I remember a book I read as a child. It was a beautifully illustrated collection of easily read Greek myths. I must have read it twenty times, before the librarian threatened to fine me.

One of my favorites was about how Zeus fell in love with a beautiful woman named Io. To hide her from Hera, he turned her into a cow, but she was still so beautiful. I remember the picture and it was indeed a heavenly cow. Long, black eyelashes fringed large, bright eyes. She was creamy all over. So pale and so creamy.

Io is a moon of Jupiter's now. I guess Zeus and Io finally got together then, through the help of astronomy. It was this figure that reminds me of myself. My hair is almost black, but my skin is milky and smooth. I used to hate this, but now I love it. It's like I swallowed a star and now I'm glowing all over.

Yes, now I feel like anything is possible. Now, I feel at peace.